


The Life I Could’ve Lived

by R_Miranda



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, This Is Sad, and its sad, cassian dies, its not a fix it, why I done this?, youve been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 01:09:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17736155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_Miranda/pseuds/R_Miranda
Summary: With two seconds left until his imminent death, Cassian Andor chose to mentally simulate an impossible scenario in which all of his fantasies came true. The simulation pleases him.It was a life he could’ve lived.





	The Life I Could’ve Lived

Cassian Andor had prepared himself for his death since he was eight years old. The Rebellion didn’t promise you anything, it took what little you had and transformed it into their own fuel. The only thing the Rebellion promised you was a fighting chance. And after all the missions Cassian Andor did, all those deaths, all those fallen soldiers, he knew he would die for the Rebellion. 

He tried not to think of his death, it was all just a depressing matter. He didn’t have a lot of time to think about it and he thanked the Force for it. Although he just did for the expression, it had been long since he believed in the Force. But when he did think of his death, he always thought it would be in a cross-fire or maybe his ship was blown to Stardust.

He always thought he would be ready when his time would come. Because when Cassian Andor died, he’d be ready, and he’d be content.

Jyn Erso came into his life when he had lost hope. And she came into his life with perfect timing. She was feisty and for the first days, Cassian thought she was a criminal but Jyn fought to change that so by two weeks, Cassian Andor believed Jyn Erso was a great soldier and a better partner. All traces of criminality was gone of his mind. 

He began to feel happy. The nights of thinking of his death were remplaced by nights thinking of his future. A future which Jyn Erso was part of. And he liked what he fantasized. It made him feel hopeful. It made him grow into better person, it made his cause a cause to fight for. Because after all, Rebellions are built on hope. And his hope was Jyn Erso and his Rogue One team. In other words, his family. 

He wouldn’t tell anyone and would never admitted it. But he began to speak his native language, the one his mother taught him and the one that made him have an accent. And slowly, he began to believe in the Force again. 

* * *

 _‘Well, this mission went horribly wrong’._ Cassian thought as the bag was yanked roughly from his head. His eyes squinted to adjust to the light which seemed to shine directly at him. He was going to move until he realized he was kneeling and his hands were roped against his back. 

He studied his surroundings. It was a Imperial spaceship. Stormtroopers all around him, pointing their shiny blasters and in the middle of all, was the most arrogant Imperial general. Leif Beirh, a man Cassian had met twice and had survived to tell the tale. He had a feeling he wouldn’t tell it a third time. 

“Cassian Andor, what kind of visit is this?” He smiled. “My men found you snooping around the ship about to flee. Good thing, you didn’t.”

Cassian’s mission was simple. Find what he needed to find and get the hell out of there. It was a mission he’d done many times before. What went wrong this time was the trap his informant set up for him. Leir Beirh had put a bounty of 40, 000 credits for his head. The informant had chosen wisely. 

Cassian didn’t say anything. He knew that the Rebellion would know by now he had been compromised. Maybe they would round up a rescue team but when they would get there, it was going to be too late. Cassian knew his fate was sealed, no matter if he opened his mouth and spilled all Leir wanted to know, he was dead. But wasn’t that his fate all along? He knew what he was signing up for when the Rebellion took him. So, why had he hoped for a future?

Because Jyn Erso had given him hope for the future. Now they will never meet again. 

“Tell me what did you take and why did you take it.” Leir asked. 

Cassian didn’t say anything. He looked straight into Leir’s eyes as a sign of defiance. He was loyal to the Rebellion and he was loyal to Jyn. 

Leir sighed, almost annoyed of Cassian’s attitude. “Come on, Captain. Give me something to work with, I know you’re a very intelligent man, don’t make me kill you.”

Cassian showed a little dark humor in the corner of his lips. He knew Leir was going to kill him anyways. He stayed mute, loyal to Jyn. If Leir wanted him to talk, then he should bring Darth Vader because Cassian Andor was not going to talk. 

Leir looked at one of the stormtroopers and did a sign with his hands. The next thing Cassian knows is the handle of a blaster meeting his face. The blow took him by surprise and made him extremely dizzy. His vision became a blur and a warm liquid ran through his face. 

“Why must you be so loyal to the Rebellion? Why can’t you accept the way things are?” Leir began walking around. “Life in this galaxy would be easier.”

”I rebel.” Cassian’s voice was rough and raspy. 

Leir looked down at the kneeled man. He proceeded to give him an ugly smile. “I know your death will be a low blow to the Rebellion, you were one of his best spies. I know you won’t tell me anything but it’s fun to torture you.”

If Cassian Andor had any regrets, they would be few. His life was the Rebellion’s. He knew he was going to die by the hands of it. The few regrets a man like Cassian Andor had were to never meet Jyn Erso again. She had given him hope and she had given him a future to think of. A future that in a moment, he believed could come true. 

“I rebel.” He repeated again. 

Leir nodded. “I know you do, Captain. I’m just wondering what will be the Rebellion’s reaction when your dead body will be discovered.”

Jyn Erso would be searching for him. Maybe even threatening Draven. That thought made Cassian laugh inside. Jyn was a woman who didn’t take a no for an answer. General Draven was a man who didn’t take disobedience as an answer. And Jyn was all he hated. Cassian could almost imagine the scenario playing out. Jyn shouting at Draven’s face and Draven shouting at Jyn’s.  

“I rebel.”

Leir’s eyes showed annoyance and impatience by now. He sighed one more time before he looked directly at Cassian Andor’s eyes. “Last words before you die? Because I’m not a monster.”

Cassian straightened his back, a sign of dignity, to die with dignity. He held his head up high, looked without a pinch of fear into Leir’s eyes and said with such confidence and determination. 

“I rebel.” 

“I thought so.”

The sound of a blaster was heard all around the base. Cassian’s body shook with pain and burnt with fire. He fell to the ground making his right cheek touch the dirty surface. The pain was so much, so hard and so painful it kind of dulled himself. Cassian could smell the burnt skin and leather from the blaster wound. 

In his last moments of consciousness, he began fantasized, just like he used to do each night when he held Jyn in his arms. He thought of a life where he and her would live a peaceful life, maybe had kids. Cassian had always wanted kids but never got around to tell her, the fear of hoping was too much for him. A fear that had turned into a fuel. 

He didn’t think of all the horrible he’d done. He did not want to go out like that. He didn’t think of all the kills, all the cheats and all the lies he had on his hands. Instead, he thought of a life where he lived with Jyn Erso. He thought of each other at the age of 60 selling refrigerators. It seemed a simple life, a life he had hoped for.

He imagined K-2SO fighting with Jyn even at an advance age. Probably fighting for petty things that happened years ago. He thought of how amusing would be if K-2SO brought things that happened years ago and how more amusing the thing would be if Jyn began defending herself for the things she’d done years ago. 

He thought of his kids. When he would hold them in his arms and know they would be all his life. That he would protect them with his heart. All those tiring nights where they would cry or when he would play with them and protect them. The imagined if he had a girl and she decided to date. Hell, he would use the spy thing and scare the boyfriend away. He imagined when he would be all old and weary and his kids, now having a life of themselves, visiting with his grandchildren. 

He thought a period where the Rebellion won and peace reign around the galaxy. 

He thought of when his hair would be silver, his joints ached, he wanted to sleep instead of doing stuff. He thought of a peaceful life, a fulfilled life. He thought of when he and Jyn would be old and silver, just enjoying each other’s company. Watching the stars at night and he whispering to her ear. Stardust. 

He thought of a life where all was said and done and he could finally think, with grey hairs and everything, that he lived a full life. He married the woman he loved, he had beautiful children who grew to be respected people and he had grandchildren. He thought of a day where he could finally say. “I lived a good life.”

A life which started all by Jyn Erso. 

With two seconds left until his imminent death, Cassian Andor chose to mentally simulate an impossible scenario in which all of his fantasies came true. The simulation pleased him. 

It was a life he could’ve lived. 

But his death was okay. 

Because when Cassian Andor died, he’d be ready, and he’d be content.

**Author's Note:**

> It a bit sad.


End file.
